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(If you love Dick Cheney as much as we do, you may want to sing our song, "Dick Cheney Is The Man")

Dick Cheney: A Defense
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Dick Cheney is the target of a vast middle-of-the-road conspiracy that includes the Government Accounting Office, the Associated Press, Judicial Watch, the nation of France, and the U.S. Attorney in Houston. He's being investigated and is under threat of indictment. This is a travesty. How can the country expect a man who resides at an undisclosed location to account for his own whereabouts? Billionaires must not stand idly while our friend is hounded by such shameless truth seekers. Below is a response to the various accusations that will dispel any doubts about the Vice President's integrity.

Enron-Style Accounting at Halliburton

The Accusation: When Cheney was at the helm of Halliburton, the company improperly changed the way it calculated profits, adding $89 million in revenues to its books. The company recently paid $7.5 million to settle a lawsuit brought against it by the Securities Exchange Commission (SEC) for these accounting maneuvers. Now four former finance employees at Halliburton contend that high-level and systemic accounting fraud occurred at the company during Cheney’s leadership that goes far beyond that outlined by the SEC in its civil suit.

Our Defense:
$ The Bush administration has put only one Enron executive behind bars—so how bad can accounting fraud really be?

Nigerian Bribery Scandal

The Accusation: During Dick Cheney’s tenure as Halliburton CEO in the late 1990s, $180 million in allegedly illegal payments were made to Nigerian officials by a consortium of companies, including Halliburton’s wholly-owned subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root, in connection with the construction of an excellent natural-gas plant in Nigeria.

Our Defense:
$ Why can’t we bribe Nigerian officials to win huge government contracts when we do it at home all the time?
$ Who wasn’t taken in by that e-mail spam?

U.S. Secret Energy Task Force Meetings

The Accusation: In early 2001, Dick Cheney met in secret with a large number of energy lobbyists, including executives from Enron, to formulate the nation’s energy policy. The fight to keep these meetings and 13,500 pages of documents secret made it to the Supreme Court, where a ruling by Cheney’s good chum Justice Scalia conveniently delayed the decision until after the election.

Our Defense:
$ It’s not a secret meeting if everyone knows about it.
$ 13,500 pages of documents is a lot of pages of documents.

Doing Business in Iran, Iraq and Libya

The Accusation: Under Cheney, Halliburton did business with terrorist sponsors Iran, Iraq and Libya, despite strict US sanctions prohibiting business with these countries. Charges include the claim that Halliburton, through a subsidiary, did $73 million in business with Iraq. The Treasury Department has referred the case to the U.S. Attorney in Houston.

Our Defense:
$ He did not have financial intercourse with that rogue state.

Coordinating No-Bid Contracts

The Accusation: According to an Army Corps of Engineers email, the decision to award a no-bid contract worth up to $7 billion to a Halliburton subsidiary was “coordinated” with Cheney’s office.

Our Defense:
$ Who’s a judge going to believe, the Army Corps of Engineers?

Supreme Court Cronyism

The Accusation: It was inappropriate for Dick Cheney to loan the use of Air Force Two to Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia while Scalia was presiding over a case titled Sierra Club et. al. v. Cheney. Also, public trust was undermined when Cheney spent three days together with Justice Scalia hunting ducks on the estate of an oil industry executive.

Our Defense:
$ Who hasn’t lent their jet to a friend in need?
$ The media pundits just wanted an excuse to call an incident Waterfowl-Gate.

Draft Dodger

The Accusation: Dick Cheney showed cowardice and skirted his patriotic duties when he requested and received five deferments to escape the draft in Vietnam before becoming one of the most vocal and ardent war proponents in the White House. He explained, “I had other priorities.”

Our Defense:
$ Cheney more than made up for dodging the draft by starting a whole war in Iraq.



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